The End of the Road.

November 05, 2020

The End of the Road.

As I write this, I can’t help the tears running down my face knowing that this final post will publicly close this chapter of my life. Once we got back on the road in September we fully anticipated to enjoy the van and the states for the next 6-9 months. We planned to take it really slow and easy with our senior pup for as long as he could or wanted to, and it would give us time to figure out what was next. His death was unexpected and traumatic for us, and while it wasn’t the way we’d hoped he’d go, it was his time and we’re so grateful to have been with him as he left us.

In the days after he passed, we felt lost and the only thing that felt right was to pick up his ashes and take them to California- the place we called home and the place we hoped to bring Miles back to one last time. So we did. Hellman Hollow in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park was the place felt right for both of us. When we lived in SF, we would walk the 2 miles out to Hellman Hollow from our apartment at least a couple times a week. Without fail, every time we got to the water fountain across the street to stop for a quick drink, Miles would guide us just a tad further down the road and then out across the street as we approached the huge open field. We were at his favorite place, and he knew it. And every time we got there his tail would be wagging like crazy and he'd pull and pull until we'd eventually let him off leash. Zach would take off in a sprint across the field and Miles would chase him as fast as he could. We all know running just isn't for me, so I'd hang back watching Miles chase Zach and every time the corners of my mouth would involuntarily rise, grinning giddily as I watched them get further and further away from me. On busy days, Miles lost focus on Zach and would gravitate toward the picnic tables. Making friends with all of the people barbecuing something delicious. And every time we'd roll our eyes and run towards him from our opposite positions on the field to drag him away and apologize profusely. It will forever be burned in my brain, the sight of our pup chasing Zach. And that's just one favorite of the thousands of memories over the 5.5 years I had Miles in my life. It's hard for me to fathom the amount of memories Zach had in his almost 10 years before I came into the picture. What an incredible bond they had. What an incredible bond between humans and dogs. How lucky are we to have them.

Miles in Hellman Hollow 2018

Miles and Zach playing in Hellman Hollow the night before we left SF on our trip. March 28, 2019

Family Photo in Hellman Hollow the night before we left SF on our trip. March 28, 2019

In Hellman Hollow we sat on our blanket, we drank wine, and we pulled out his ashes. The sun was setting and we took our time swapping stories. Zach told me about the toddler that lived across the street from their house in Denver that would come over every day and feed Miles rocks through the fence. He'd gently take the rocks from the toddler's hand and set them on the ground while waiting for another and they'd do this just about every day. We laughed talking about his fear of his own farts that would send him jumping up from his comfortable position to hiding under the bed. We smiled in wonder about the time we were walking on Ocean Beach and a seal came up to have a staring contest with Miles. We watched the countless videos we took of him and scrolled through photos of him on our phones. And then we said our goodbyes and left a little piece of him on the grass in the middle of the park.

Made it to Hellman Hollow, missing our pup.

Hellman Hollow, October 2020

I think the biggest emotion for me I've felt since losing Miles is gratitude. I mean, we all love our dogs and are grateful for them, right? But with Miles, he changed the trajectory of my life in a way I could have never imagined. When Zach and I met and began talking about taking a year or so to travel, we never could have imagined where we would have ended up. We never could have imagined building out a camper van, or driving to Panama, or learning Spanish, or meeting all of the incredible people we did. We never could have imagined how a trip like this would change our perspective on the world and our priorities for the future. But it did. Because of Miles. Because the only thing in life he wanted was to be with his humans. So he was. We took this trip for you, buddy.... which brings me to the van.

It’s been about a month now since Miles passed and we’ve tried settling back into the van, but without him it just doesn’t feel right anymore. And something I know about making important decisions is that if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. It's almost as if once we said goodbye to Miles, it's as if we were saying goodbye to this chapter of our life. Fran was home for Zach, Miles and me. We built her for him. I mean... for us, but so he could be with us. And without Miles, she feels empty and boring and way too clean. So it's with a heavy heart that we've made the incredibly hard decision to sell Fran. (I just had a pang in my stomach as I typed that.) We know it's the right move. We hope more than anything to pass her on to a new owner that will hopefully appreciate her as much as we have. And that can give them adventures of a lifetime, just as she has for us. And hopefully they have a pup too!

It's hard to put into words just how much this chapter of my life has meant, taught me, grown me. So many things are running through my mind and pushing my emotions to the surface. Sadness that it’s over. Joy that it happened. An overwhelming sense of pride that we actually did this. We quit our jobs, we built our van ourselves, we learned new skills, we gave our pup the best last couple years of his life, and we tackled every challenge along the way, coming out stronger than we’ve ever been. Despite the pandemic, despite quarantining in a foreign country, despite navigating back to the states in the midst of it, despite losing our pup once we did. And we know we’ll tackle the next chapter of our lives with the same zest as we have this past one, because after accomplishing all that we did... we feel empowered to make our next dreams a reality.